It's not like anyone cares anymore

Collegiate Handbook. F'n A.

http://www.collegiatehandbook.com
http://www.tchmovie.com

Same site, just 2 different domains.

Oh Fuck

I'm averaging about 1 or 2 posts a month, how prolific.

So, since I'm pretty tired of being abused at work, and we're all gunna be fired in a few weeks anyway, I'm looking for other jobs.

And I realized I have no freakin clue what I'm looking for. I have a career goal now, to open an indie studio that supports itself with fiction. It's a really high shot, so I feel like everything I do needs to work toward that. Well, that's not really well explored territory. I know I should work in every major field of filmmaking, but I can make more money, and be further up administratively as an editor.

Also, it's not like I can go out and get a paying job as a director. Producer stuff is easy enough to find, but all of the best jobs in any part of the industry are in LA. And I refuse. Maybe I should talk to Robert Rodriguez. See if he has an Editor position open.

The Cinematic Bias Against Comedy

Many times I've heard comedy fans gripe about the industry's reluctance to reward comedic achievement.

It's not surprising really. There is not much variation on what makes a good drama. A good story, compelling characters, and at least one literary reference no one will get. There are so many types of comedy, that if it doesn't fit any given person's sense of humor it simply won't work.

This is why if comedy writers want to be recognized they need to start writing rounder. Unless you're doing sketch comedy, every project is a movie first and a comedy second. There needs to be a real basis for the film. Slapping jokes on the screen for an hour and a half may please the local riffraff, but the big leagues require something that isn't a replacement for stand up comedy.

Comedies that desire industry credibility also need to write smarter. Regardless of how well "Meet the Spartans" does at the box office, it's still fucking stupid.

I bet I could be a professional pooper

I have a bit I do in stand up (or I would, if I ever did my act) where I claim to be a professional comedian because one time in high school someone payed me a quarter to do my Bill Cosby impression.

But I know being a professional isn't about getting paid. I genuinely think that being a professional means you do professional quality work. By a crazy series of events I've now edited 4 national spots. I earn my living by editing at an ad agency. I make money hand over fist doing freelance editing. Am I a professional? That's debatable. I still hesitate when people ask me what I do.

The man on the island

Recently the line came to me- The man on the island is happy with his coconuts.

That could be interpreted any number of ways.

-I could be talking about people who are happy in naivety. So, if coconuts is all you've ever known, of course you're happy with it, because you do not know that people eat meats and cakes on the mainland. This concept is similar to my point, but not it.

-I might be talking about a lack of ambition and acceptance of mediocrity. The man is happy enough with his coconuts, so he needs not escape the island to find alternatives. It's not a terrible point, but it's also not the one I was making.

-I was speaking to the behavior of the stupid and the cultureless. They refuse to show a little extra effort to catch fish, even though fish taste so much better. It might be that they lack the ability to catch the fish, or even are so bad at catching fish that they have never even tasted how much better they are. And certainly a fish enthusiast won't have any luck changing the man's opinion of the value of fish over coconuts. Besides, why would he want to? The man just sits there, grinning stupidly and munching on coconut meat.

Bitter? Maybe. But so, so true.

Video game music

I was at work, picking out music for a video that the other editor was cutting when I heard a piece of the music he was sifting through. It was bad electronica. I sighed, nostalgic, as my mind wandered to 80's video games.

I started to think how much I missed early video game music, and how much it had changed. Most notably with the ps1 when developers weren't forced to cram midis on games anymore and could actually use recorded music. Of course the PS2 was out before all that many took advantage of this opportunity. This not only got away from software instrumentation, but also allowed popular music to be put into games. This didn't really affect me, because I like classical music and modern music about equally, but I did hear some new songs from skateboarding and BMX games.

A potentially groundbreaking move was with the xbox allowing you to rip your own CDs into the hard drive and play them during games. Unfortunately very few games offered this option. I actively went to seek out games that had this option available. It's why I played DOA beach volleyball so much. .....

Anyway, the bad electronica made me long for the days of shitty midis. I'm honestly not sure if this is just because of nostalgia or if I like the gritty midi sound as a change of pace from the flawless symphony.

Scary

It is scary to me that this exact same thing goes through my mind:




XKCD

News

Since it's April, I'm back. I've decided that since I have no readers to disappoint, I'll only be posting when I feel the urge rather than sticking to a schedule. For today I'll just post my recent news.

I've yet to go to a Mensa meeting, but I've flashed my membership card at several bars to try to get free drinks. And tang.

I finally shat on the pot I've been sitting on for a long time and made a webcomic.
Smash This. I hope the project with reach a few talented artists who would be willing to take on my other 5 webcomic projects I have waiting in the wings.

The feature has unsurprisingly hit more delays. I'm so f'n tired of this movie.

I think I'm dying of some sort of plague and my new doctor can't see me until monday because he wants me to die, apparently.


-D

I am on being smarterning

I know I'm taking a bit of a break, but I wanted to announce that I got my acceptance letter to Mensa yesterday. I am, of course, going to use this to be even more superior and exclusionist than ever. I am also going to ask my company for a raise using something like the following:

"As you might have heard, I recently joined American Mensa. Since this means that I am in the top 2% in terms of intelligence I submit that I should be in the top 2% in yearly income. According to a 2003 census the top 2% earners in America make over $300,000 a year. Since I am not greedy, I will accept this outdated statistic and not ask for more than the minimum. If possible, I would also like this to occur retroactively to cover the amount of time I worked last year.

I realize this will require a very large amount of money and I will be patient in waiting for it."


Think it will work?

Short Break

I am going to take a break from writing the blog for about 2 weeks to get some screenwriting done. It might be less, it might be more, but I'll certainly be writing in it again by April. I'll also post when the feature comes out regardless. Hopefully by the time I'm doing the blog again I'll have some tips on how to submit a screenplay to a studio.

Production Journal: The Princple of Things- Day 3

Day 3: I had Sunday off, but I was required to come back Monday for an extremely short scene. It was one of 2 graveyard scenes, so I had worked out that I would only need to be there for one shot with the director, since I didn't fancy taking another day off work for 20 minutes of shooting.

At 11 I got a call reminding me to make the call at 11:30. It was a good thing, too, because I was thinking I needed to be there at noon. So I snuck out of work entirely unstealthily at 11:25 and drove to NCSA.

I carried my costume for the day (a suit) up to the call location and met Sergey and Eric. Sergey immediately brought me to his car to put my costume in it. Before we had walked back, though, he got a call and told me that we would be doing the scene I was in second and not first. So I told him I could meet them at the graveyard when they were ready for me because I couldn't miss 3 hours of work.

So at 2 I headed to the graveyard and got very lost. When I found it, the other actors and I went to change. I was surprised my timing had been so good, but I honestly could have waited about an hour as they moved bounce cards and fixed the dolly at my office. It was a simple dolly move that they did at 48p (for those who don't do film, 48p is so they can slow it down halfway and it won't look choppy, video does this with 60p). During the course of the set up, the DP revealed that although we had worked together for 3 days, she still didn't know my name and had to call me Todd to refer to me. They did the one shot and that was it for me, I had finished my first 'acting only' project.


So with my NSCA project complete, I felt it necessary to mentally summarize where they are going wrong. It wasn't that hard, really.

Lighten up- Someone told me that this group was more laid back than most. If that is true than the uptight group mus have a boom so far up their ass that they can cover sound with their mouth.
I know that NCSA is teaching them to be professional, but jesus, have some fun.

Production Journal: The Principle of Things- Day 2

Day 2: I awoke at 4:30 am with a bitch of a stomach ache. This caused me to be about 20 minutes late to the call, and everyone was already leaving as I got there. I rode to the only location we had that day with Sergey. The location was a bar, one that I had never been to, but a quick look inside the place had me interested.

We immediately went back to look at costumes, though I was certain I wouldn't be needing one for at least 2 or 3 hours. After suiting up, Woody, Eric and I mostly hung out at the bar, wiling away the time talking the the manager and sitting in for ourselves. For the first time, I actually saw some character being thrown in the lighting. A red gel to give a neon glow and a smoke machine that would inevitably make life hell for some editor.

We started rehearsing the scene around nine. I entered halfway through the scene, and it seemed awkward, but I wasn't getting any direction so I continued to do the same thing. We started shooting and I got a few blocking changes, but no real word on the acting. We broke so they could set up my close up and the director pulled me aside out to the outdoor bar where we had privacy.

It may have seemed like he was getting good one on one time with an actor to him, but to me it seemed like I was being scolded. He was at a loss for what to tell me, which I assumed just meant 'act better' so I started probing. It turned out that he wanted a stronger entrance. This wasn't a huge surprise, since I felt that the blocking was awkward, so I told him I hit the entrance harder and see what happened. He apparently didn't believe me, because he began to see how we could ensure this. He asked me what my acting method was, I'm not an actor so I don't claim a method as my own, but I told him Meisner, because the actors I've learned from are Meisner actors. He asked me what method that was, and I tried not to judge him while explaining it. It was difficult, because as a director you should know your acting methods cold.

We finished our little reverse-pep-talk and headed back out to do the scene. I faked it, and got a great response. I faked it a few more times, and we moved on to the next shot. I wasn't really in this one, so I didn't have to fake much more, which was good, because faking it is really tiring. The next shot finished the scene and at that point it was nearly time to break for lunch.

Eric and I wandered outside and waited for lunch to start. I was once again very hungry because I had gotten no breakfast. We ate outside and enjoyed the reprieve from the previous day's sun. With a full stomach and pleasantly warm, my two days of very little sleep started to weigh on me. We picked out costumes for the next scene as our stand ins again ....stood in. Thankfully the next scene didn't require much movement of lights or camera and we were ready to rehearse.

This was one of the opening scenes, and it was comedic. It more or less featured my character, and I had been told I could do some ad libbing. They quickly learned that they should never give me that much liberty because I tore the scene apart and put it back together using hookers and umpa loompas. After the first run, the director added the addendum that I could ad lib a little bit.

The stand ins went back in for us and we three actors went outside to rehearse. I decided not to ad lib at all, so it put a huge damper on the energy, but we eventually got it down. When we were done, they were ready for us. We shot the scene and for the first time, I received no direction. They prepared to do an establishing dolly shot and we once again let our stand ins take over. I sat down in a booth and nearly fell asleep.

After a long while (I don't know exactly how long because I probably drifted off for a few minutes) we were called to sit in our seats again. They needed about 15 rehearsals with the dolly, but eventually they shot it.

For the final shots of the day they had to light 2 more closeups of me. The first one was a medium shot of me staring at some girl's hooters, and the second was to be a closeup of my eyes (unfortunately I didn't stick around for the inevitable reverse closeup of the hooters) It wasn't very much dialogue but the position I had to hold was painful. The knocked out the first shot in 2 takes and moved on to the eye close up.

In addition to holding the awkward position for this one I was entirely surrounded by grips, 2 of which holding lights directly in my eyes. I made jokes the entire time they were setting it up, but they all totally ignored me. They fired off this final shot and Eric and I were done for the day once again.


Again, I had been keeping score. Today lit some disturbing holes in the cirriculum at NCSA but I tried not to gloat. At least not in front of anyone.

1) Filmmaking is an art, not a science- There isn't one right way to light a scene or to frame a shot. Creative choices need to be made, and that doesn't always fall to the director. Half the time, the director isn't going to know how to frame a shot as well and most of the crew. The crew is allowed and often expected to make creative decisions. This speaks to my complaint in day one about following rules and not taking chances. Don't 'get the scene lit', light the scene. Don't imitate daylight, spin an entire new direction. Don't just listen to the director, bring new ideas to him(or her).

2) Acting is a major concern of directing- THE major concern, in fact. Truth be told, the DP can probably handle directing production without the director in most cases, but no one but the director, or in rare cases an acting coach, can direct the actors. I received so vague, convoluted direction that if I gave a poor performance I honestly don't blame myself. And this isn't bitterness about singled out, it really isn't. I've been singled out as an actor before, only usually it's because I'm the clueless one, not the crew. I don't know why they aren't teaching these kids in the directing concentration at NCSA proper acting techniques and drilling each one into their craniums, but something really needs to be done about it.

Production Journal: The Principle of Things- Day 1 Part 2

By the time we had finished the first shot my ears were so red one might expect steam to start shooting out of them. As the crew began to set up for the second shot, Sergey pulled Woody and I aside to rehearse. It was a very short scene, but it didn't take me long to be totally underwhelmed by Woody's performance. He took a very stilted, industrial approach to the scene, so much so that I could have probably kicked him in cojones and he still would have read it the same way. This didn't surprise me nearly as much as the director stepping over Woody's stilted performance and giving me loads of direction. I've never claimed to be a fantastic actor but I held my own throughout college, even with the bullshit politics. It was honestly insulting to be given so much condescending direction when Keanu received none. I say condescending because in the course of the direction Sergey would proceed to give me the rough definition of a substitution and the basics of putting it into practice.

I took the direction good-naturedly, and tried to change accordingly. I continued to get the same direction, so I tried to strip away any subtly and just give a blunt, heavy handed performance. I stopped getting the direction eventually, so either I did what Sergey wanted, or he gave up on me.

We went ahead and shot the scene. We took about 4 takes and both Woody and I managed not to screw up, which was nice because I had been worried about wasting film (each mistake would cost roughly $30 by my estimate, though I don't know what NCSA pays for color 16mm and lab fees). We finished with the shot surprisingly quickly, considering it was the only one with dialogue.

We moved on to a few closeup action shots for which I was not needed, so I retreated to the warmth inside. As bored as I had been waiting for the shoot to start I was doubly bored then. I was the only one inside, since the entire crew was outside shooting the next shot. As I warmed up for the next twenty minutes I fought the aching boredom. Eventually I gave up and went back to the doorway to the roof to both continue to thaw and watch what was going on outside.

Soon after I started to watch, though, they needed me back outside to finish up the scene. Since they had no rig to lower themselves down the side of the building and see the edge, which we actors would have to stand uncomfortably close to, we had to create a new edge. Woody and I climbed what amounted to a second, higher roof, covering a stairwell. They were to shoot up from the first roof to our structure to give the illusion that they were shooting us standing on the edge.

At this point I was thankful that 'Leo' hadn't made it. Not only was the room on this second roof tight, the incline that we were required to climb up to get to our second mark was about 70 degrees. Seriously steep. Even as we struggled to stay standing on our first mark and the second AC came around with the light meter, I was sure that this was going to lead to someone's neck being broken. Thankfully, even though I did spot the second AC stumble dangerously, we finished the scene with everyone's neck thoroughly unbroken.


Woody and I headed downstairs and the crew started to pack up. We hopped in the car with Erin and headed to the second location. As we were driving Woody and Erin talked about Sergey's relationship with his DP, who he was apparently dating. I kept out of it, not only do I abhor gossip, this romantic chemistry on set was nothing novel to me. In fact it was very much old hat.

The second location was a house, ripe with disrepair and currently covered in black wrap. Inside, which was somehow colder than outside, was a mess even without the loads of gear. We were introduced to Eric, the actor that had missed the morning scene. I had been irritated that he got out of waking up so early, but upon meeting him, I instantly liked him. Even still, he had the same put together look that Woody had and I began to wonder if Sergey went for looks over talent rather than just not being able to know talent when he found it. This didn't bother me that much, seeing as my character 'Todd' was a very attractive playboy.

We stood around and made fun of how Woody had to a scene nearly nude later in the day while the crew neglected to set up for the next scene. It wasn't even 10 yet, but it felt like I had put in a full day's work. As we stood idly, Sergey came over and gave us our costumes. He also instructed the makeup girls to do "something" with my hair, to make it different than the last scene. The makeup girls, who I had relentlessly made fun of since meeting, reveled at this opportunity to do something horrible to me. They gave up their chance for revenge, though, and instead gave me 'the abercrombie'. What that is, I don't know, because my hair was laying down again when I next saw it.

After getting ready to go for the scene, we (the actors) spent the majority of the next 2 hours in a back room. We talked about film stuff and when we got to acting, I was once again thrown. I mentioned that memorization was easy for me, but I didn't memorize my work with the lines, I built up the work later. Both other actors looked at me blankly.

"You mean... like blocking?"

I was stunned. I assumed they just heard me wrong. "No, like your acting homework."

I got a blank look again. "You know, substitutions and images."

I got a third blank look. Finally, Eric caught on. "Oh, method stuff. Yeah I'm learning about that in my acting class now."

I was especially surprised at Eric, because we had read the scene and he was pretty good, but a 32 year old actor who was just then learning method made me think that I had only begun to touch on how bad film actors could be. I counted myself lucky that I was working with an industrial soap dispenser and an actor without much training but some raw talent.


At lunch, the crew still had not set up the next scene. The NCSA rule is that actors eat first, and I took full advantage of that. It was nice to be treated as an asset rather than being walked all over. In fact, we were even given our own 'set mother' who would let us know when we were needed and fetch us things we wanted, not that any of us felt right using this privilege.

After lunch Eric, Woody and I went back to our out-of-the-way room and hung out for another hour or so. At some point stand ins were put in to light the scene, even though all of the actors were 10 feet away and not doing anything. When someone finally got us, there was a giant lighting set up in the floor hooked up to a dimmer rig. It was going to mimic TV lights. I thought it was overkill, I would either do the TV in post or forget about it. Even though I never said anything, it turned out that my thought had merit; after 30 minutes of practice and 2 burnt gels I still thought the set up looked mediocre.

This was a pot smoking scene, and they had decided to do it in a manner similar to that 70's show. I didn't really like the style, but what bothered me the most was that it left no room for cuts. Any mistake by anyone anywhere in the scene was going to ruin the entire take. Thankfully I didn't make any mistakes, and neither did Eric (Woody just had to look stoned). But apparently the tilt release on the tripod wasn't working because things got very tense between the director and the DP. The director was reluctant to ask for more takes since the DP was taking it very personally.

After that uncomfortable event, Eric and I were done for the day. Even though I knew it was petty the whole day I had been keeping score. How did my skills match up to the students- and I wasn't doing as poorly as I might have been. They knew things cold that I had never even heard of. However there were a few areas where they were severely lacking and where I excelled.

1) The love- no one on set seemed like they wanted to be there. I have a blast everytime I'm working on a film. Sure, I wouldn't want my main responsibility to be refilling the snacks, but as a producer I've spent many hours on sets where I didn't do anything all that important. Doesn't mean I didn't love it. Your love for what you're doing is completely reflected in the other side of the lense. Also, you're going to be working 20 hour days in TV and film, if you don't like it you'd better get out.

2) The rules- While I read a great number of textbooks to prepare for making my first serious film, I never learn a set of hard and fast rules that confine me to doing over over two-shot. Yes, there are rules that I follow based on my experience, but if I think a rule needs to be broken I will break it immediately and get coverage. It's something that makes me better everytime I go out- the willingness to experiment. Reading about a rule in a textbook has no substance. Breaking the rule and getting burned shows you exactly why that rule is in place.

3) The overview- These guys are so focused on their one job that they never get see the other side of the street. With a 40 man crew, you have no idea what is going on where and in addition to being chaotic, it's a bad working environment to learn in. I've done everything, filled in for every job imaginable, and it's benefited me greatly, specifically as a director or producer. Besides, working with a 3 man crew is a reality of the business sometimes (many times) and it's good to get the feel for it.

Production Journal: The Principle of Things- Day 1 Part 1

I was cast in a principle role in a North Carolina School of the Arts short. This was to be a new experience for me, as I'm rarely just an actor and I don't often get the chance to work with film. This project was being shot on 16mm. Lucky NCSA kids and their film cameras.

Day 1:
I arrived on set at 5:50 am, 5 minutes late and aching with exhaustion. It was cold, and I was told that my nice warm leather jackets wouldn't work because the color was too dark. I was wearing a windbreaker and a hoodie underneath. I was hungry, I had planned to stop for something to eat on the way, but no where was open at 5 am. I wasn't worried though, I assumed that a production that promised meals would not neglect breakfast.

I walked up the hill to the call area and was greeted by the director. The director, Sergey, was nice enough, but his cadence, volume and use of language made me wonder if he only had a very vague grasp of English or if he was very stoned. I shook off his greeting and retreated to the closest building. It was filled with about 20 people I didn't know.

I briefly looked about for the other actors, I hadn't met them yet and wanted to start bonding before we were charged with acting like lifelong friends. As it happened, though, the actors forgot to wear their name tags, or carry an entourage. As I stood awkwardly inside, I looked out at the campus. Someone had once told me that the film portion of the school was decked out for filmmaking but I had never seen the campus myself. As I stared out at the fo-theater and shops I again cursed the privilege of NCSA students with bitter envy.

After a few minutes of waiting I heard someone say behind me:

"Are you an actor? Come with me, I'll show you to the dressing room."

They weren't talking to me. They were talking to a tall, impeccably groomed actor who had just walked in. I followed the two up a staircase and into the dressing room. I introduced myself to Woody, the lead actor who I had followed into the dressing room. I was a little intimidated, Woody was a good 3 inches taller than me and looked more like a model than an actor. I was a little worried that someone like me, who was a very part time actor, would not cut it in this sort of production.

Woody and I started to talk, he was a student at Chapel Hill and he was also into production. I had been told that both of the other principle actors were coming from a few hours a way, but it didn't fail to surprise me anyway. Before either of us had said much, the two make up ladies showed up. I had expected to be made up for every scene, but apparently Woody was the only one who was to get makeup at all, for his scarring do to an earlier scene where he gets beaten up.

As we were talking Sergey appeared with the script supervisor in tow. He informed us that the 3rd principle actor was not going to make it to the first scene we were to shoot that day (which, incidentally, was the last scene in the film.) It was only a few lines, but Eric, who was the actor running late had 1 of the lines. Taking it in stride, Sergey cut the line that Eric, or 'Leo', had and gave one to Woody, explaining why Leo wasn't there. I thought it was overdoing it, giving an explanation for his absence, but I said nothing. In truth, I wasn't that huge of a fan of the script, specifically the title, but it was miles ahead of the other scripts I had read from NCSA.

Sergey then picked out wardrobe with us, which was only a jacket, and decided on the light windbreaker I had brought. He directed us both downstairs where the producer was waiting to take us to the location. We hopped in the car with the producer, Erin, and the art director, and took off for the downtown location.

The scene we were shooting took place on a rooftop. They had garnered what had to be the 3rd tallest building in winston to shoot on. We walked into the extremely nice lobby and passed about 3 residents with dogs. I immediately decided that if I could get an apartment in the building for under 2 grand a month that I was moving when my lease was up. The overly helpful security guard led us into the elevator and up to the 18th floor. We exited, only to enter another elevator that took us all the way to the roof entrance.

They put out the food and I was heartily disappointed. It was a few crafties but no meal. So as I fought my gurgle in my stomach I went to check out the space. It was freezing and windy, of course, 20 floors up. The director noted that the first shot was going to have us standing on a heating vent and looking out at the city as the sun rose. It seemed easy, no dialogue, except that we had to stay as still as possible. Since wearing the hoody under my windbreaker gave me hunchback, and standing on a tall building at 6 am in February was about as warm as the arctic circle, not shivering became an issue, as did my red, red ears. Woody had it just as bad, he was wearing what he referred to as a "Canadian tuxedo", a denim jacket over a t-shirt.

We went back inside as they continued to prep the shot, and for the first time, I truly realized just how boring it was to be an actor on a film. Previously on sets, even if I acted I always did something else as well. There was never any down time for me. I hung out and talked to Woody and the makeup girls as Woody was having his scar applied but I was painfully bored. I suddenly realized why actors never hung around after they were done for the day or helped clean up.

Thankfully, it wasn't too long before we were ready to go on the first shot. By the time the first take was over I had heard at least 4 words that I did not know. The curriculum at the school must mold these kids so they can be injected right into hollywood, because they used nicknames for everything and they had more crew at one location (a small b-unit was at the second location preparing to shoot there) than I usually had cast and crew for the entire production. For the duration of the production I was to learn exactly how that affected their methods.

So long HD DVD

As an editor, the emergence of a new format, or rather solidification of a new format should be big news. But in terms of blue ray vs hd-dvd my thoughts are simple: I don't care. Both are good formats, blue ray is a little bit better and a little more expensive. I had predicted that HD-DVD would win, because the clues from the last format war told me that it would. In beta-max vs. VHS, the cheaper, worse format won. The next clue came when porno chose HD-DVD (though they later switched to blue-ray). I was pretty convinced that blue ray was going to go the way of beta-max. But I was wrong, and again, I don't really care.

The importance of this event isn't which format was chosen, it's that a format was chosen. This means DVDs are going to start dropping in price and EVERYONE is going to start putting stuff out on blue ray. It's been about a week since Toshiba's announcement and I've already seen questions about blue ray burners and authoring on indie film boards.

I'm not ready to jump on the blue ray train just yet, and it worries me that so many people are. Hell, 90% of people over 60 are still stuck on VHS.

Writing Methods

I honestly can't say that one method is better than another, but it's what keeps you going and helps you churn out a product. Here are a few that I've seen/tried:

Archaeology- This is what most people start with, and quite a number end up using. You start out with a theme or idea and just start writing from beginning to end, uncovering the story as you go.

M. Night Shyamalan- Write from end to beginning. Write the climax and resolution first, then move on the rising action and so on. It has merit for establishing exactly what your story is about right off the bat, but I've never been able to put it into practice.

Over and Done- Map out what happens in your story and then write, starting at the beginning. This is good for collaborations, and popular for screenwriting since you have to submit a treatment to get an episode approved or an advance for a screenplay, in addition to screenwriters nearly all working in collaboration.

The Box Method- This is the way I write most of the time. Start out with an idea and move to an outline, then cement an outline of each scene, to make sure you know what it's really about. All the while jotting down jokes and bits of scenes as they come to you to use when the time comes. Then start at the beginning and write through. It works very well for speed. If I do all my outline work, I can churn out an hour and a half screenplay in 2 days.

Total Instinct- This is a haphazard and dangerous way of writing that I'd only recommend if you're really inspired. You let go of reason and write as it comes to you. You might end up starting at the beginning or middle, and there is a good chance you'll find yourself totally lost with one scene that is suppose to go somewhere in a story that you know nothing about. Still, it can turn out a really great product if it works out; your instinct is the single most powerful thing you can develop as a writer.


There are certainly more than that, and the fact that these are popular doesn't mean they are any better than any other methods. It's just some to try if one is trying to find their own method that works. Both great and terrible writers have used each one of these. It's the content that matters, not the way it gets from your brain onto the paper. If a writing teacher/mentor ever tells you to use their method they have already failed you.

The crimson room

Today I was going to write about how I have spent 65 of the last 72 hours at work, or blue ray beating HD-DVD, or how downtown Winston Salem made me feel white for the first time since I moved to the area. But those will have to wait, because a much more interesting story came up last night when I was locked both in and out of my office.

To understand the unique situation I was in you have to understand how the security works in my office. Everyone who works there is given a key card (I always thought it was pretty cool, like in a video game). That key card opens the gate to the parking deck, the outside doors when they are locked at night and on the weekends, and all of the doors on your company's floor(s). This means you can take the elevator to any floor and be confronted by 6 locked doors in the elevator area. Mullen, the ad agency I work for, leases the 5th and 6th floor. I work on the 6th floor, with all of the other creatives. My office is the only one that is kept locked because of all the valuable equipment inside. I actually don't have my own key, I use one from my boss's office everytime I need one.

Well, as a video editor, I spend most of my time at work sitting down in front of a computer screen. I can't sit comfortably with a cell phone, keys and wallet in my pocket, though. So I take these things out a lot and place them on desk. Well, last night was a marathon editing night so at 11:30pm I got up to fill my water cup. I walked out the door closest to my office that lead to the elevator area, preparing to cut through to the break room like I always do. Well I took about 2 steps when I reached to my pocket and noticed that both pockets were empty. The door behind me had already closed.

My wallet (which contained my keycard), my keys, my jacket, and my cellphone were all in my office on my desk. I was totally boned. I couldn't call anyone from work because all the numbers were in my cell phone. I couldn't drive home and wait for morning because I couldn't get out of the parking deck without my card, or even start my car without my keys. I couldn't call a cab because I had no wallet and no money. I couldn't even walk the 7 miles home because my jacket was in my office and I probably would have frozen to death before I got there. Not to mention, if at any point I changed my mind I wouldn't have been able to get back into the building. I either had to get back into my office or sleep in the lobby of the building.

I took the elevator to the second floor, where the lobby is. On my way down, I noted that I was probably the only person in the office that late on a Sunday. Even security only worked Monday morning to Friday night. When I reached the bottom I walked over to the security desk and rummaged around. I was looking for a master keycard or a phone number, anything that could help me out. I found nothing, but a scary looking box that if I knew how to operate it I could probably disable all of the door locks, but since I didn't if I touched it that night would end with me having a comfy cot in a holding cell.

The security desk having failed me, I went into the construction on the second floor. I figured with all the construction going on, they probably hadn't key carded every stairwell yet. After some searching and a lot of stepping of steel beams on the floor, I found a stairwell that I knew wasn't a standard one that Mullenites used to go between the fifth and sixth floors (both of which are locked by electronic locks).

I climbed the stairs to the fifth floor where I tried the door. It opened, but my celebration was too early, I climbed up to the sixth floor and tried the door, it was locked, but by a key lock and not an electronic one. This is when I began to feel like I was in on of those irritating flash games that stick you in a locked room with no hints and very few clues on how to get out.

But the fifth floor opened up new possibilities to me. I first circled the floor looking for someone who might have left a keycard out and calling out to see if anyone was still working and could let me upstairs. No luck. Then, I circled the floor again, checking all of the inner doors to see if there was another stairwell with no keycard access. Apparently I had either found the only one, or the only unlocked one. So I made my way to the service elevator, which refused to go anywhere but floor 2.

I started to panic, then. As close as floor 5 put me to my office, it was still out of reach. I briefly thought of trying to get into the ceiling and climbing up a vent or something outrageous, but the ceilings are 15 feet high, even standing on a desk I wouldn't be able to graze the ceiling with the tips of my fingers. Nearly defeated, I began wandering again, looking for a stray keycard and trying to thing of alternatives. As I was thinking, my mind strayed back to the locked stairwell door on the sixth floor. I remembered that it was a key lock and while thinking about that out of the corner of my eye, I glanced a tray full of paperclips. So I took 2 paperclips from the tray and a letter opener and walked back up the stairs. I picked the lock and rejoiced. I ran to my office and picked up my wallet which has yet to leave my person since.

What are you good at? Really?

I won't say what is making me doubt myself, but there is definite doubt.

As I think of everything that I'm good at, it's all subjective. I'm smart- but that depends how you define intelligence. I'm good at filmmaking- but thats really for the audience, ignorant of the specifics of filmmaking, to decide. I can write- or what says the reader? I'm pretty funny- but.. am I, or do I just make myself laugh? I'm a good musician- but does hitting right notes make me a musician? I'm very fast- or I was, nearly 10 years ago.

The only quantifiable thing that I was ever good at was running, and that is no longer relevant. Since everything I'm good at is subjective does that mean I have to look to the consensus to tell me if I'm really good? Otherwise, I'm just another no talent reject who thinks he's a big shot. Doesn't seem like a very fair system.

You'll get no envy from me, Canada

In the past few years there has be a lot of 'Canada envy' from Americans. Good ol' Canaja has cheap health care, no George bush and presumably less loud obnoxious morons. But the thing is, Canada isn't that well off, either.

While our dollar continues to freefall, salaries are still higher here and goods are still cheaper. The US is still where the money is. Also, low taxes. With as much as things suck here, people forget that they've been sucking everywhere else for a good deal longer.

While Rupert Murdoch may control half of our media, Canada's media is even more consolidated. While sexual violence is on the rise here, it's gotten so bad in Japan that they have to have to have women only subway cars.
While all our jobs are going to Mexico, it has done little to help the rampant poverty.

So stay vigilant and be aware of how shitty things are, but don't forget perspective. It's all going downhill anyway. This is what I think the world will look like in 2050:

Definitions

Americanimie(uh-mer-i-kan-uh-mey ) n.-

An abomination born out of American teens' obsession with Japanese culture. To cash in on the anime trend, American artists started to produce cartoons in a sub-anime style.


Revo Monkey(ri-vo muhng-kee) N.

Used to insult a man who bends over backwards to try and get female attention. Short for reverse monkey. A monkey walks with it's "hands" in front of them, but if someone is bending over backwards they put their hands behind them for support. It could also tie into them being spineless. Fat Angst (fat engk-stuh) n. General anger caused by being fat.

Short Reviews 2

Film: Rocky
Rating: 3 of 5 stars
Review: I haven't seen this since I was like 10, but it's f'n rocky


Film: Charlie and The Chocolate Factory
Rating: 3 of 5 stars
Review: A bit weirder then the original, but pretty decent. Some of the best cinematography and makeup work I've ever seen.


Film: Kill Bill Volume 1
Rating: 3 of 5 stars
Review: Might have been better if Tarantino would use his trademark useage of time well. At all.


Film: Donnie Darko
Rating: 2.5 of 5 stars
Review: I'm not sure what everyone is humping this movie for. I thought it was pretty mediocre.


Film: There's Something About Mary
Rating: 2.5 of 5 stars
Review: Funny when I was 13. Not anymore.


Film: Bruce Almighty
Rating: 3 of 5 stars
Review: Morgan Freeman is God. That is all.


Film: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Rating: 1 of 5 stars
Review: I didn't really like 4-6, so I certainly don't like 1-3.


Film: Dodgeball
Rating: 4 of 5 stars
Review: Vince Vaughn is comedy gold in the right part. Even Ben Stiller is bareable in this.


Film: Knocked Up
Rating: 3.5 of 5 stars
Review: Modern humor mixed with a Clerks-like genuineness. Surprisingly very good.


Film: Happy Gilmore
Rating: 3 of 5 stars
Review: I haven't seen it in a long time, but fist fights with bob barker are timeless.


Film: Harry Potter 4: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Rating: 3.5 of 5 stars
Review: The only one I liked out of the current 5.

Reluctant Education

Pepper bit me last night. This is a dog that I've had for 11 years and has never once bitten anyone. Not including puppy, play bites. Pepper always felt bad when she even hurt someone accidentally. And we always said that with the way she could tear apart a toy, if she meant to hurt someone, they would be hurt a lot worse. We were right.

Pepper and I were playing with her donut toy, and she accidentally bit me trying to get a better grip on the donut. So I pushed her away. I suppose I hurt her because that's when she snarled and bit down on the index finger of my right hand. I was shocked, but I would have quickly forgiven it if Pepper acted sorry. But she didn't. She growled as I dragged her by her collar into the kitchen.

It hurt, so much that when I saw the wound I thought she had bitten through my entire finger but after I cleaned it up and wrapped it up, I just went about my business. But I woke up early this morning (4-5am) because of the pain. I couldn't move the finger or bend it and it was massively swollen. So I took the now-normal Pepper outside and then skipped off to the hospital to see if my finger was broken.

It's not, though it hurts to do anything with my right hand. I'm taking pepper to the vet tomorrow to see if anything is wrong. Thankfully no one has suggested I put her down, not even my parents, who I would have expected it from.

Something I did find out though, through this regrettable experience, was that either the staff at Forsyth Memorial is exceptionally nice or people are very sympathetic to a bewildered looking 22 year old man in pajama pants who is clutching his hand.

10 things I've learned as an editor

1) You can not throw a DVD straight no matter how you try.

2) DVD frisbee is dangerous and painful.

3) If you don't take a break from editing at least once every few hours, you will go clinically insane.

4) You can not out-swear a producer. Even the foul mouth of the teamster pales in comparison.

5) Surfboards made entirely of discarded dvd remnants rarely float.

6) If you have been awake for 4 days, the raptors are probably a hallucination, but hide behind the avid just to be safe.

7) Just because you can see the first floor from the 6th floor doesn't mean you don't need an elevator.

8) Creatives don't appreciate it when you say that a spot is 'a hulking load of horse shit'.

9) People don't listen to lowly editors, so to be heard, you might have to do some work with a baseball bat.

10) People's skulls are more resilient than you'd imagine

Short Reviews

I was looking through my facebook movie ratings to see which ones I marked highly and noticed that a lot of my 1 or 2 line reviews were worth reading. So I figure I'll throw 10 or so down every now and again to archive them.


Film: School of Rock
Rating: 3 of 5 stars
Review: I'm a Jack Black fan, just not of his comedy, which is pretty much just monkey sounds and movements. This one isn't so bad, though.


Film: The longest yard
Rating: 2 of 5 stars
Review: I only watched it because I had heard they mentioned ASU. I regret my decision.


Film: American Pie
Rating: 1 of 5 stars
Review: It might have been funny when I was 15 and an idiot.



Film: Meet the Fockers
Rating: .5 of 5 stars
Review: I watched this for a film class. Otherwise, I would have scoffed and moved on after watching meet the parents. This was worse.


Film: Spiderman 3
Rating: 1.5 of 5 stars
Review: I'm pretty sure this is a joke.



Film: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Rating: 3 of 5 stars
Review: Gets major points for shooting on location instead of using CGI bullshit.



Film: The Ring
Rating: 1 of 5 stars
Review: I barely remember watching this. But I remember being bored.


Film: Ace Ventura
Rating: 1.5 of 5 stars
Review: Sorry Jim Carrey, you are not Jerry Lewis. Sorry Jerry Lewis, you aren't funny.


Film: Braveheart
Rating: 3.5 of 5 stars
Review: Had me shouting FREEDOM at inappropriate times for 2 weeks.

Film: Hitch
Rating: 1.5 of 5 stars
Review: It's a chick flick in disguise. You tricked me Will Smith and Kevin James!

Harry potter 5

An old review of harry potter that I dug up because I'm busy today.




As a big fan of the books, I found myself disappointed. It was a very long book, yes, and I agree that cuts were necessary; in fact i even applaud the fact that they kept all of the important information, unlike in movie 3. However they changed a lot. And not for the better. And, with the exception of cutting out dobby(who I'm sure is expensive to animate) yet again, these changes have seemingly no reason. Events are moved around the storyline arbitrarily and many fun things are cut out to economize time. Still, I would not have minded these changes if it did not detract from the emotional arch of the book. Harry's adolescent struggle into manhood is probably what turned many people off of the book, but it's still a main theme and one that isn't represented well. Overall I thought the story seemed scattered and had they stuck closer to the source material in emotion, I wouldn't have minded the arbitrary changes.

On the other hand the composition and cinematography was the best yet. In this movie, the clean cut style of Columbus is completely abandoned for a more modern, gritty style. Still, with how much I liked it, I heard people talking about the use of time changes in editing and I could almost hear the style sailing swiftly over their heads.

Overall I think it's not the worst but certainly not the best.

Final Fantasy- The spirits within

For some reason I got it in my head that Final Fantasy- The Spirits Within was dull and poorly produced. After rewatching it a few weeks ago, I honestly can't think of where I got that from.

Even though the animation was created in 1998 (and well before), it still represents leading 3d technique. 10 years later, the animation has hardly been surpassed. In the Disney artist sweatshop vein, square outdid themselves on the detailing. The tiny imperfections on a character's skin, the individually animated 10,000 hairs on Aki's head. A scary amount of work went into the film and it shows.

Also in the production is probably the best group of voice actors in any animated film to date. That may sound like a big claim, but it's really not. Most mainstream modern animated films get big name actors to do the voices and more often than not, they suck. This is a group of some big name actors who actually do a good job. It's incredibly rare.

Finally, the story. When I first watched the movie, it took me a few times through to get exactly what was going on. I was young (12) and the film is pretty complex. When I watched it a few weeks ago I caught everything, and I was able to appreciate the subtleties in dialog and some of the more adult jokes I might not have gotten 10 years ago. It's mostly good, but there are a few melodramatic romantic moments that are like an animated soap opera. I know I have a bit of a bias against love stories, but this stuff is really over the top. Nothin' like zero g nookie to easy the pain of comrades' deaths.

The Buffy Method

I've talked about how Angel doesn't really have seasons, since all of the episodes blend together. Buffy is almost the exact opposite. Buffy has very clearly defined seasons. So much so that there is a loose formula that each season follows. So I introduce :

The Buffy Method

Step 1: The first 1-3 episodes should deal with the previous season. Dealing with the aftermath of the giant fight, or repenting wrongs. Skip this step for the first season.

Step 2: The next 4-12 episodes establish what the season is about and set up the mindset of the characters in the season.

Step 3: Once the theme is established- enter big bad. The main villain will get an episode about him/her with lots of dramatic twist music cues.

Step 4: After the villain is introduced the next 10-15 episodes will continue with the theme of the season. The main villain will occasionally be involved in episodes, but for some reason stays mostly away.

Step 5: The final 2-3 episodes of a season are the big climax and short resolution. There is a final showdown, the main villain is defeated, probably killed.

Editing to music

Editing to music is something that I excelled at right away. It's something that takes more music knowledge than editing prowess.

The key is to let the music make things happen. Not only the cuts should be to the music, but also the camera movement and the character movement. This becomes difficult, specifically in fiction, to make it cohesive, but you are allowed a few frames to fudge with movement, as long as your cuts are in time.

Now the most obvious place to make a cut is at the end of a musical phrase. But very often the phrase is too long and you want to make multiple cuts within the phrase. Regardless, you should almost always cut at the end of a phrase, regardless of how many times you cut within it. If you let a shot carry over from one phrase to the next anyone who watches it will feel wrong footed.

Inside the phrase cuts should be made on strong down beats. This usually indicates the first note in a measure, or every 2 measures and so on, but it can vary greatly depending on the music. In your typical rock song, it's best to go with percussion or rhythm guitar. Bass is doable on many songs as well depending on how prominent it is, but vocals and lead guitar are typically not going to give good places to cut. A strong down beat for percussion will probably be snare, rim, bass drum, or some combination of those. Rhythm guitar's downbeat almost always comes at a chord change. Different instruments have down beats at different times, rhythm guitar might be every 6 measures while percussion is every 2, so you should pick which instrument you're going to cut to. If you get caught, and say, don't have enough footage to make it to the next rhythm guitar, you can switch to bass. Here is a small diagram to show how you might line up a phrase.



If this had been a real project, I probably wouldn’t have switched instruments so quickly, but assuming this is the beginning of the song, I like to get some quick cuts in to introduce the montage or whatever I’m cutting.

Something that you might run into is not being able to find the downbeat. Sometimes it’s a little hidden in ballads and certain types of electronica, as well as unusual occurrences in other types of songs. Listen carefully to each instrument, and when you hear it repeat, that is most likely a downbeat. If you are cutting to a ballad or something else with a weak beat, be careful how you use hard cuts, fades work much better until the end of the phrase. Quicker music with a stronger beat is another matter. If you’ve ever played music, you’ll be able to find the downbeat without any issue at all, but non-musicians might have some trouble. If you can’t find it by listening to each instrument and hearing where it repeats, try tapping your foot to the music. Listen for what your foot is following and wait for the loudest note. That’s probably your cutting point. It’s not a perfect method, but if you don’t know music, this probably isn’t going to be your game anyway.

Cutting is the easy part. Matching movement to music is much more difficult. If you’re doing straight fiction, you might not want to match movement to music. If you match it too close, it’s called Mickey Mousing, and as the name implies, is only fit for 1920s cartoons. If you’re working with a composer, though, he or she can make sure that doesn’t happen by giving you more subtle cues within the music. Since you’re matching your cuts to the bass, percussion or rhythm guitar, you want to match your movement to something else or things will get ugly. Movement works best with the lead instrument, typically vocals or lead guitar in rock.

It’s difficult to explain exactly how to use movement because for every shot and every song it’s totally different. The only real advice I can give is my music editing motto again: Let the music make things happen. I’ve put an early video I did for Embarq below for an example. Watch how the music makes things happen, turning the lights on, swinging the logo, making the camera flash, etc.



In the spirit of letting the music make things happen, the music can be a little early, but never late. The audience’s brain is more likely to forgive lateness in the visual than the audio (though 3 or 4 frames is all the leniency you’ll get, and it’s best if you’re not early at all). However, the corollary to letting the music make things happen is of course, letting the video create the music. That is where the video would come early, but it leads almost immediately to Mickey Mousing, so unless you’re working for Disney, it’s not a good idea.

Sensitive Guy

People talk about the sensitive guy. A guy who like romantic comedies, gossiping, and going for walks on the beach. I would say I hate that guy but the truth is that he doesn't exist(not to be confused with shy guy, those are real). It's a persona certain desperate men put on to try to attract a mate. You might be dating or even married to one of these atrocities. The longer men keep up that image, the more invested they become in it, until they really believe that's them. But it isn't. Every man has the instinct to eat 72 oz steaks and impregnate as many women as possible. Intelligence keeps us from doing those things, but the undercurrent is still there. Instinct can be suppressed but it can not be denied, regardless of evolution and intelligence. There may be the extremely rare case that doesn't have these instincts, but those are genetic abnormalities and should be eliminated for the survival of the species. Of course women are idiots and even though they say they want this type of guy, they'll end up with some alpha male who will pressure her into anal sex, so I think we'll be OK either way.

That brings me to another point, though. As much as I hate the sensitive guy persona, I equally hate the alpha male. Not only are these guys much more outwardly obnoxious, they are much more plentiful. It is possible to be respectful of women without being a simpering ninny 'sensitive guy'. Of course this type of guy thinks everyone is a sissy but himself.

Yet another evolutionary mistake is a group I deemed a long time ago as 'revo monkeys'. Revo monkeys are much like 'sensitive guys' in that they should live a long lonely life in their mom's basement. But like 'sensitive guys' they make a desperate stab at finding a mate. Revo Monkeys are pretty much women worshipers. They follow a woman's every wish just so they might get a short glimpse inside her delicates. These guys are much more prevalent than 'sensitive guys', but not nearly as much as Alpha males.

So does this label all men as hopelessly pathetic or rape and pillage Neanderthals? Certainly not. Alpha males make up about 25% of the population, limited intelligence, but with redeeming qualities such as athletic ability and occasionally looks. Revo Monkeys and Sensitive Guys make up 10% of the most useless population together, somewhat limited intelligence, not attractive, no real personality to speak of. And then everyone else. We're not perfect, but we're not those guys, either.

Collegiate Handbook Stills

Ok, this is the last one I'm going to phone in for a while. But this is something I made quite some time ago on a whim. Every college movie needs a set of stills to the tune of louie louie. Keep this stuff in mind though, because it'll be out just as soon as the DVD art is done.

Stroke of Luck

This was the student film that was supposed to win me festivals and awards, but I never submitted it to anything but Open App. I'll have to do that.

Agency Culture

Like most cultures, Advertising can be broken down into the classic high school hierarchy.

Creatives- The 'Cool' Kids-
Copywriters, Art Directors and Creative directors have the most competitive and high profile jobs, so one can hardly blame them for thinking they are cooler than everyone else, especially when about 1/3 of the agency backs them as the height of cool.

Broadcast Production/Studio Artists- The Burnouts-
BP and studio are often tossed in with creative, but the attitude is totally different. No one at a big agency is laid back, but this group comes close. People expect, as they walk into my dark and out-of-the-way office, to look through a haze of pot smoke.

Account Services- The Jesus Kids-
Because they deal so often with the client, AS is high strung and so painfully full of fake cheer that it makes you want to deck them.

Traffic- The Jocks-
Traffic is the mystery department, even to advertising students and people in the agency, but basically what they do is bully people into getting their work done on time. They are also the most mobile department, going all over the agency to apply needed pressure.

Public Relations/Marketing- The Nerds-
When I say nerd, I don't mean smart. I just mean nerdy. One might think that marketing would be pretty bright, but... nope. At least not at my agency. These guys do probably the only typical office work at an agency, though. Research and phone calls and paperwork. Dullsville.

Interactive Developers/IT- The Computer nerds-
These are the guys that would be playing D&D in their moms basement.

Human Resources- The Faculty-
With every unruly group of people there has to be a controlling force. HR is that ill equipped force.

Media Planning- The Overachievers-
We all have that friend who tries too hard. They're not really our friend because we like them, but more because they forced their way into our circle, like a child cutting in line at an amusement park.

Media Buying- The Outcasts-
We don't like them, they don't like us.

New Business- The Wannabees-
In every school you have your 'cool kids' and the group of clingons that try to hang out with them. New Business is that group of sycophants.

Office Management- The White Trash-
I don't relate office management to white trash to insult them, they are possibly the only department who earns their salaries.

Direct- The Rest-
What most people forget when structuring a high school hierarchy is that there is a vast mid-section of people with no discernible identity. That describes direct to a fault.

Bertha's Revenge

Possibly the greatest thing ever.

NSAC Coke Spot

This is a spot I did for National Student Ad Competition. There are some things I would have done differently. Namely the coke silhouette would have been done in post, but I still like it.

TV vs. Video Games

When I was a kid my video game usage was severely restricted, while TV was viewed as more or less neutral. If I was being punished, which was more often than not, video games was the first thing to go, whereas TV was almost never restricted. The occasionally during the summers when my sister and I did almost nothing else, my mother would put a limit on how much TV we could watch a day, but I honestly think it was just so she could find something else on her long list of things to nag us about.

But enough about my traumatizing past, and moving on to the point: TV is f'n awful for you. It totally rots your brain, while video games are often good for it and in a worst case scenario, neutral.

Anyone who has studied communication even the slightest knows that TV is a cold medium. One of the very few, and probably coldest. A cold medium is one that you don't have to interact with to be using (I'm sure Becky will correct me with a better definition). Reading materials are hot, video games are hot, even movies are hot. But TV (radio as well, but that's totally different usage) is just there, a continuous stream of consistently lowered standards. Like Carlos Mencia or George Bush.

After years of not bothering with it, if I spend a day off watching TV my brain hurts for lack of use. However, if I spend that day playing video games my eyeballs may be bleeding, but
my mind is racing. Of course, I do watch TV seasons on DVD, but in the same way that a movie is much hotter than TV, the way I watch seasons of TV shows on DVD is better for me than TV itself. Since they are shows I like, I pay full attention and rarely do anything else but eat while watching. That isn't to say that if you pay full attention to TV and turn it into a hot medium that TV is good, it also has a lot to do with the quality of programing. The TV shows that I watch lend themselves to additional thought: I think about the metaphor in Buffy, I dissect the joke in Simpsons, Futurama and Scrubs to see the format, or I contemplate why I'm watching Angel again. Typical TV broadcasting allows you to just shut your mind off, specifically with bad dramas, game shows and reality TV. So TV can be fine if you watch decent shows, but that is becoming more and more difficult.

Even if TV were better, it would still take a backseat to video games. Video games take a lot of heat from the media, and the only thing anyone can say for them is that they improve hand eye coordination. Well, hand eye coordination is only extremely important if you're a surgeon or an assassin. What video game supporters so often forget to mention is the mental reward you get from them. Even if you ignore mental games like Brainage and Word Coach, while playing a game the player still solves puzzles, reads and applies, does simple math in many cases and in almost every game subconsciously or consciously plans a strategy. In addition to the natural mental exercise a video game provides there is an almost entirely untapped educational potential there. When I was in the 9th grade I learned more about Ghengis Khan in Age of Kings than I ever did in any history class. Once we move gaming beyond leapfrog and geometry wars in education, parents will take a breath from blaming video games for ruining their kids and start using it to babysit them again.

I'm not going to preach something like 'Your brain is a muscle, use it or lose it.' mostly because I hate people who say that and I want them to choke on their own condescending words (people who say that are all stupid anyway, perhaps it's from experience), but I will say that if I ever have children I will discourage TV as a leisure activity and encourage video games, in addition to exercise.

Very Creative Name

God of War 1 is the picture of an action game. It is short, brutal, and lots of fun. So over the last 10 months every time I saw God of War 2, I was itching to pick it up. But I always stopped myself. I wanted to rent it first. What if it was as short as the first edition? Well, I finally
rented it and I'm very glad I did. Not only is it as short as the last one, it's far, far worse.

The fact that it's bad is surprising not only because the first one was so good but also because it's the same fuckin game as the first one. The chain swords from the end of the last one, about 90% of the same enemies, almost ALL of the same moves and very similar magics. There is a bit more jumping and swinging in this one, though, and expansive camera angles that all had me thinking 'Are they trying to be prince of persia'? And that was before I got the ability to slow time.

It's fucking hard. This isn't a bad thing in theory. I like my games hard. But this one is outrageously hard, and not in a fun way. The kind of hard that makes you howl into the night like a wounded dog or clench your jaw until your teeth shatter. Bosses that take 2 to 3 unblockable hits to kill you and regular enemies that can kill you without drawing breath if you make the mistake of jumping around them. About halfway through the game I just gave up and after my 17th death fighting a miniboss who could kill me before I could move I just gave in and switched it to easy mode. I'm pretty sure it was the first time I've ever had to go to easy mode on anything. Maybe it was me, though, maybe it didn't match up with my gaming style. Or maybe I didn't get the totally unintuitive trick to each boss. Which leads me to...

This game was designed to sell guides. All of the puzzles and little tricks to things aren't something that one uses logic to figure out. They have no pattern to them like puzzles in Zelda or prince of persia, they give a totally open situation, with no hint of how to solve it and then let you go nuts. It's terribly frustrating.

And still, perhaps the worst thing about the game was the 'story'. In GoW1 they touched on the story at parts, but it was mostly about Kratos and his torment, then you went right back to tearing people open. This game, however, must have had greek mythology buffs reeling, because even with my modest knowledge of the subject I could tell there was some serious artistic licence taken. In that respect, they tried to cram as many mythology cameos as they could in the 10 hours of gameplay. (Kratos was strong enough to hold off Atlas, but he had a knock down drag out fight with f'n Icarus) Not to mention Kratos's shift from a tormented angry soul to a whiny, selfish dickhead. I'm sure Godhood isn't humbling, but I don't want to play as a dickhead. Evil, fine, good, fine, allergic to peanuts, fine, dickhead, no.

The verdict: Don't waste your time.

Tragically hip

Something that occurred to me today was that unlike the rest of the world, barring many rock stars, copywriters stay hip as they age. They have to. They have to identify with people half their age on a lot of accounts.


I'm sure it has it's pluses. You never turn into just an old person, you're a hip old person. But doesn't that go against nature? Would you want to be a hip old person? Half they pleasure of getting old is shaking your head at the things kids are up to nowadays. Hell I'm 22 and I shake my head at half the things that have changed since I've been in high school.

This really wouldn't affect me if I was a copywriter because I'm not hip now, so there is nowhere to go but down.

Another short story

This one I plan to rewrite one day to make it suck less. And maybe turn into a short story series.

Arkin, Prince of New Jersey

Once upon a time there was a kingdom called New Jersey. And the prince of this kingdom was named Arkin. Arkin had been learning the ways of a prince for his entire life. He was required to be a good and proper prince so he could one day take over the great kingdom of New Jersey after his father, King Leroy, died.

One day when Arkin was 21 and about to graduate from Prince College he received a letter from his father. He had been studying the nomenclature of all of the beasts in the kingdom for his New Jersey creature final in a few days time. A man appeared carrying a thick roll of parchment. A man walked in behind him carrying with him a trumpet. The man blew a sharp tune into his horn and cried out in a stentorian voice.

'A letter from the great King, the King of all Kings-'

'Yes, yes,' interrupted Arkin 'I know my father's introduction, no need to say it every time.'

Arkin took the letter from the man who held it and dismissed the men. He read the long letter to himself. The letter really could have been about 2 or 3 sentences. The length didn’t surprise Arkin, though. It was representational of his father, who loved pointless fluff and added it into every letter and speech he had anything to do with. His father requested that he come home immediately, there was an urgent matter that required his attention. Arkin was surprised at this request, however. King Leroy knew he had finals in a few days and rarely ever asked for Arkin's help with anything.

Knowing it must be important if his father was summoning him at such a crucial time, Arkin made his way down to the stables. He only hoped they were not going to war again. Arkin had been 15 last time they had gone to war with the kingdom of Vermont and he was not keen to have the same experience. Arkin had wanted to fight in the war, but his father, determined not to have him hurt, had locked him in the dungeons for the 2-month duration.

Arkin made his way over to his favorite giant dog, Whiskers, and saddled her up. He climbed on and began to make his way toward his home, New Jersey castle.

He arrived early the next morning. After giving Whiskers a giant chew toy, he headed up to his father's chambers. He knocked on the door and his father called him in.

'I'm here, father,” said Arkin, kneeling.

'Oh, good!' replied King Leroy 'Stand up boy, and let me have a look at you. Oh, good, good.'

'Why have you summoned me, father?' asked Arkin, put off by his father's cheeriness, obviously there was nothing wrong. 'I have to be back for finals in a few days.'

'But that is why you are here! It's the final of all finals.'

'What do you mean, sir?'

'Oh, it's killed me not to tell you. Well, sit down and you'll hear it now. In the final year of a prince's schooling he does not take the regular finals. Instead, he puts everything he knows into practical use. He takes a long journey.' Here King Leroy paused and looked at him.

Arkin said nothing. His father seemed to be holding something back. Never knowing the king to be disingenuous, he listened on, apprehensive.

“He goes on a quest…” Leroy continued, “to find his queen.”

Arkin was surprised, but still said nothing. His thoughts strayed to a girl in his fencing class. He didn’t know her name, but this seemed like a good chance to find out.

“Now, you have been betrothed to the princess of California since birth-”

“What?! Why?” Arkin burst out. Normally an outburst like this would earn him a severe reprimand from the king, but it seemed that Leroy expected this because he continued calmly.

“To improve international relations, of course.”

“But what if she’s an ugo?”

“The welfare of your people is much more important then the attractiveness of your wife.”

“She IS an ugo, isn’t she?”

“I don’t know, Arkin, I’ve never met her.”

The injustice of it did not sit well with the prince. All of his life he had trained to be a good prince and a good king. He had taken the task without complaint, confident that he would be rewarded. He thought he would, at the very least, have some good adventures after he graduated. But now it looked like that would be impossible, he was going to be tied down by a wife. And this wife could be ugly or worse, a Unitarian! Arkin knew there was no point in contesting the point, ancient enchantments bound him to do things like this, this was a quest that he had to take.

“But if I’m already betrothed, what am I to do on this journey, father?” Arkin asked

“You’re to go to the kingdom of California and collect your future wife.” The king responded, glad to see Arkin was taking things in stride.

“All the way to the kingdom of California? Alone? Can’t she meet me halfway or something?”

“You’ll have help. Whiskers can go with you.” The king said, ignoring Arkin’s last question.

“Whiskers isn’t much help for anything but travel.”

“A denumerable amount of knights offered to go with you but the ancient magiks will only allow anyone who doesn’t know of your status to help you.”

“When am I to be off?”

“As soon as possible.”

“I shall go and get ready.”

“Wait, Arkin, there is something else you must know. This is a eleemosynary mission, you are bound to help everyone you can along the way.”

“Yes, father.”

Then Arkin when to his own chamber and began to pack what he thought might be useful. He piled everything into a pack, snatched up his moneybag and went down to the throne room to meet his father.

There was a long and boring ceremony Arkin had to attend before he was allowed to leave. He was dressed in the clothes of his ancestors and given officer flags and other ornamentation to wear. Then the court choir sang a nasty sounding traditional song. Arkin put up with another half dozen performers before he was finally escorted to the castle gates. King Leroy stepped forward from the group who had accompanied him.

“Arkin, I am very proud of the man you’ve become.” The king said.

Arkin was surprised; his father very rarely paid him a compliment. The old man was just one surprise after another lately.

“This is a letter for the king of California.” Leroy continued, handing Arkin an envelope “Take care, son.”

Arkin was glad to see that the letter had not been sealed. This meant he could expurgate it before he gave it to the foreign king. He said his goodbyes and turned to the world outside as his escorts made their way back to the castle.

As soon as everyone was out of sight, Arkin quickly dumped all of the crap that he had been dressed in at the ceremony in the castle dumpster. He quickly walked down the road, Whiskers trotting along behind him, and stepped into a shop. He found a nice sword and shield, which he strapped to his back, and a good set of traveling clothes. He pulled out his moneybag and paid the man. Normally the man would not expect reimbursement from the prince, but Arkin told him that he was bound to not accept any help from people who knew he was a prince. When the man finally grudgingly accepted Arkin’s money, Arkin walked out to Whiskers and mounted the hairy beast.

And they were off. Arkin and Whiskers rode for days until finally they reached the edge of the kingdom. Arkin knew he was at the edge because there was a sign that said “Welcome to the kingdom of Pennsylvania” just ahead, and a surveyor had put up some pink tape along the border. He decided that it was a good spot to stop and let Whiskers have a rest. He led her over to a stream and dismounted.

“Well Whiskers, we won’t be seeing this kingdom for a while.”

Whiskers did not answer but bent her big hairy head down to the stream to lap up some water. That’s when Arkin saw it. A flash of movement in the field behind them. Arkin had his sword and shield off of his back and in the ready position so fast that Whiskers stopped drinking to see what was going on. Arkin saw the flash again, but this time he got a glimpse of what it was. He was almost positive he saw a sheria. Sherias were snake like creatures with heads that almost looked human. Arkin knew from his classes that they loved nothing more then fresh dog. He glanced at Whiskers, who was looking at him with her head tilted slightly to the side. There was no way he was going to convince her to run before it was too late. The prince loved his dog but he knew that there were few other dogs as dumb as his.

Arkin saw the flash of movement again, much closer this time, and raised his sword and shield. He moved to a more strategic position to keep himself between the sheria and Whiskers. When the beast struck, he was ready. The sheria raised its ugly head out of the grass and Arkin smashed it in the face with his shield. He pulled back his sword when someone screamed.

“Stop!”

Arkin stopped just in time; his sword had been about to eviscerate the sheria. A girl ran up to him and patted the sheria on the head. It shot into the grass and lay completely still.

“Sorry,” said the girl “Curly must have smelled your dog.”

Arkin looked at the gross thing lying at his feet and honestly could not come up with a worse name for the beast, except perhaps fluffy, or something of that nature. Then Arkin’s gaze drifted to the girl. She was around his age and was a particularly zaftig girl. He remembered himself and raised his eyes to her face. She was looking at him, so to avoid any awkward situations he tried to make small talk.

“Do you live around here? I haven’t seen any settlement for quite some time.”

“No,” the girl replied, “I’m on a journey.”

“Really? Me too. My name’s Arkin.”

“I’m Kara.”

They shook hands. Arkin was please she didn’t know who he was. Perhaps he could convince her to travel with them. Then he remembered Curly. She was petting the disgusting thing and it was making a sickening cooing sound.

“Is that thing your pet?” Arkin asked.

“Curly is my guardian and good friend.” Kara responded coldly.

“What good is a sheria? They can’t do anything useful.”

“They have plenty of uses. I think we’ll go now. Come on Curly.”

With that she fastened a leash to the sheria and the other end to her. Curly shot off into Pennsylvania, Kara sliding along the ground behind him. Arkin called Whiskers, who was splashing around in the stream, and they were off as well.

The prince and his dog rode for almost a week without more trouble, but about 6 days after they had met Kara they were strolling through the woods when Arkin heard a voice.

‘Hey’ said a girl’s voice inside his head.

Arkin, convinced he was going crazy, dismounted and looked at Whiskers. Had she talked to him? Was he so close to his dog that she could communicate with him through telepathy? But if Whiskers had spoken to him, she gave no sign. She wore the same dumb expression she always did.

‘I’m not the dog, you idiot.’ Said the girl’s voice again.

Arkin straightened up and looked around.

‘That’s it. Now come over here and kiss me.’

This was a remarkably straightforward voice in his head, Arkin thought.

‘I’ve been enchanted, it’s not like I just fancy a kiss.’

‘Where are you?’ Arkin thought back

‘To your right… no, that’s too much. OK, there. Now straight ahead.’

Arkin walked forward into a clearing. At the center of the clearing there was a stone table and on that stone table was…

‘Kara?!’ Arkin thought, baffled.

‘Yes, nice to see you again, too, Arkin.’

‘What happened to you?’

‘Well, we were traveling and we ran into a magician. Well sherias are very valuable creatures to magicians because they can help perform spells and such, so this magician enchants me and runs off with Curly.’

‘Heh, I bet you’re not so keen on your pet now.’

‘Yes, yes, very funny, Arkin. Now can we get rid of this enchantment? I’ve been here for 2 days already.’

‘Wait, you haven’t told me how you can communicate with me.’

‘It’s a gift I’ve had since I was born. That’s why I’m on a quest; a foreign king needs my help.’

‘OK, so how do I get you out of this enchantment?’

‘It’s a kiss.’

‘How do you know?’

‘It’s always a kiss when the person is frozen on a table.’

‘Why can’t it be something cool, like candy?’

‘I don’t know, Arkin, just kiss me.’

‘I don’t think I can. I’m on a quest to find my betrothed.’

‘It’s just a kiss!’

‘No tongue?’

‘No tongue!’

His betrothal notwithstanding, Arkin leaned down and kissed Kara. She sat up and smacked Arkin.

“What was that for?! I just saved you!” Arkin asked, irritated.

“You can’t just go around kissing people. And to think, you’re betrothed, too.” Kara responded.

Arkin just gaped at her. Kara stood up and hurried off into the woods.

“Expect to hear from my lawyer!” She called back.

“Women…”The prince mumbled.

He leaned against the statue and smiled in spite of himself. Kara’s advocate would have a time making a case against a prince. Whiskers wandered over to him and licked the side of his head. He patted her on the head and she began to prance around. All of the sudden Whiskers yelped and disappeared. Arkin went over to investigate and saw that Whiskers had found a pit. She clawed at the sides trying to get out, but it was much too deep. Arkin couldn’t think of any way to help the dog out, so he threw some food down and began hunting for some for himself. After he had strung up a rashina to exsanguinate he checked on Whiskers, who was sleeping. He decided to get some rest himself and laid down on the hard earth, wishing the warm and soft Whiskers was with him.

Arkin awoke to Whiskers licking his face. After checking the pit, he deduced that the dog had dug herself out. He cleaned off the dog and they set out again. After a few days riding they came upon a river. Arkin was no great hat at swimming and Whiskers couldn’t concentrate in the water long enough for Arkin to tell her to take him across so he would have to find another way to get across.

The prince noticed a village nearby. He imagined that they would know where a bridge was, or at least how to get around the river. He rode to the village, which was a nice place, but a little run down. He approached the first villager he saw.

“Hello, I am Arkin and I am on a quest to the kingdom of California. Do you know a way to get across that river?” Arkin asked?

“Another one going to California, eh?” The villager responded, “You’re the second today.”

The villager pointed to the first, who was sitting at a nearby shop. It was Kara.

“YOU-” Arkin began, but he was interrupted by the sound of a bandit horn.

“Oh no, not again.” Said the villager Arkin had been talking too.

“Bandits? Not a problem.” Arkin assured him.

He dismounted and pulled his sword and shield from his back. Kara already had an arrow on her bow. The prince saw the bandits emerge on the hill north of the village. There were about 30 of them. They charged the town but by the time they reached it, there were about 7 less of them. Kara, who had climbed up on a roof, had let a good number of arrows fly. When the bandits were close enough, Arkin ran forward and cried:

“Get um’ Whiskers!”

And he and Whiskers charged at them. Like most bandits, these were not too great at swordplay. Arkin, who had been training to fight all of his life, barely wasted 2 or 3 strokes on each of them and rarely had to lift his shield. A mere 3 minutes after the prince and his dog had torn into the bandits, there remained only the leader alive. He dangled lightly from Whiskers mouth as she danced around.

“Whiskers, drop him.” Arkin commanded.

The giant dog dropped the bandit leader and Arkin took his weapon.

“You’ll not die here today, scum.” The prince said to the bandit. “You’ll rot in jail as an example to your brethren.”

And with that Arkin clubbed the bandit in the head with the hilt of his own sword. A great cheer went up behind him, and Arkin turned to see the entire village standing there.

That night the villagers held a feast to honor Arkin, Kara and Whiskers. The villagers also told them that that there was a magic portal a few miles south and it would make the journey much shorter. Arkin grabbed some food for himself and Whiskers and sat down next to Whiskers in the big circle the villagers had made. Kara came over and sat next to him.

“Look,” Kara began, “I’m sorry I slapped you, but if you’ve been frozen for 2 days you really have to pee when you wake up and I couldn’t have you following.”

Arkin sat in silence for a moment and then started laughing. Whiskers joined him and even Kara let out a reluctant laugh.

“So you’re going to California castle, too? What are the chances?” Arkin asked.

“Your betrothed works in the castle?” Kara asked

“Err….”

Arkin just realized how strange it would sound for a commoner to be betrothed to a princess so he lied.

“Yes.”

“That is an odd coincidence.”

“We should travel together.”

“What? Oh, yes that would be nice, I’ve had to hitch rides since Curly left.”

“Ah yes, faithful Curly. The one who abandoned you in favor of a magician. Thankfully I came along to set you free. It’s a shame it was a kiss though. I mean, if I’m going to disregard my betrothal, it should be for something good, like a quickie.”

“On second thought maybe I’ll be better off on my own after all.” Kara said and she stormed off in the direction of the portal the villagers had told them about.

“Oh come back, I was being facetious.” Arkin called after her. “Ah, well.”

Arkin spent the night at the village but rose early the next morning to set out. After thanking the villagers for their kindness he and Whiskers set off towards the portal. After a few hours he found the petrograph the villagers described to him. He said the incantation and a cave opened out of the rock face. Arkin hesitated. He had a phobia of dark enclosed places. An old man appeared beside the prince, making him jump.

“I can exorcise your fear, boy.” The old man said.

“How did you know I was scared?” Arkin asked.

“Well you were staring at the entrance to a cave looking like you’d rather die then enter. It didn’t take much to extrapolate.”

“Well how can you take my fear away?”

“It’s an old trick I learned, you just need to sit still and I’ll do the rest.” The man smiled, or that’s what Arkin guessed he did, it was hard to tell because the man had no teeth.

Arkin was wary. He didn’t trust the toothless rube, but he was confident that Whiskers would take care of him if anything went wrong. So the prince sat down and waited for the old man to entrance him. The old man took out a locket and the next thing Arkin knew he was laying on the ground, his fear becoming evanescent. The prince sat up and looked at the old man, who was hurrying away. Arkin noticed he had Leroy’s letter to the king of California in his hand.

“Hey!” Arkin called “I need that!”

But it was too late, the man had already disappeared. Arkin figured he could just tell the people at the castle what happened, but he didn’t look forward to it. He got up and marched bravely into the cave. He walked down a damp corridor into a large cavern. There was a row of carts there and Arkin assumed this was the way to use the portal. He helped Whiskers into a cart and then got into one himself.

“California Castle!” Arkin said to the cart.

A metal bar clanged shut on him and he heard a female voice ring out all around him.

“Thank you for traveling with Magic Portal. Please keep your arms and legs inside the cart at all times.” The voice said.

The carts roared to life and pretty soon they were going so fast Arkin was afraid his skin was going to fly off. He closed his eyes for a while and when he opened them they were coming to a stop. The female voice had another announcement.

“Please exit to the right. Thank you again for choosing Magic Portal.” The voice said.

The metal bar lifted and Arkin got out. Whiskers didn’t look like she enjoyed the trip. Arkin helped her out of the cart and they walked up a damp corridor. The prince pushed open a door and walked into dazzling sunlight. When he could see he looked up at the structure in front of him.

“It’s California castle! I don’t believe it! We’re here, Whiskers!”

Catching onto his excitement, Whiskers ran in circles around Arkin who was striding up to the gates of the castle. He walked up to the guard and told him his story. The guard looked at him suspiciously.

“You’re the prince of New Jersey?” the guard asked.

“Yes, that’s me.” Arkin replied.

“Who’s your father?”

“King Leroy. You’re being awful interrogatory.”

“That’s my job.”

“I’ve come an awful long way, please let me in.”

“I’m afraid I can do that. We were told that the prince would come in ceremonial vestments and have a letter from King Leroy.”

“But I’ve told you why I don’t have those things!”

“Beat it, kid.”

Arkin was furious. If he couldn’t get into the castle by normal means he would get in by surreptitious means. The prince waited for nightfall and then snuck around to the back of the castle and snuck inside. He stood in a hallway, unsure whom to go to explain himself when the choice was taken out of his hands. A guard grabbed him by the back of his shirt.

“Gottcha!” The guard snarled.

He was taken to the throne room where the king was talking to Kara.

“Arkin?” Kara asked.

“No, my dear, that is not prince Arkin. The guards tell me he has been pretending to be to try to get into the castle, though.” The king said.

“Arkin is a prince?"

“The real Arkin is, yes. As for this one…”

The king clapped his hands and a guard came in carrying a whip and a prisoner.

“Simon here is going to give a little demonstrative presentation of what will happen to you if you don’t speak up about why you were in my castle.” The king continued.

The guard called Simon began to flagellate the prisoner. It looked very painful and Arkin was not in the mood to try it. He tried to explain himself but the king waved him off.

“Come now boy, you can expect me to believe that.” The king scoffed.

“But, Kara, I told her my name, why would I lie to her?” Arkin said desperately.

“I don’t know, boy, maybe you’re a nut. Simon.”

Simon whipped his prisoner again. Arkin couldn’t stand the crack of the whip. He would have though of a better onomatopoeia to describe the sound, but this was a desperate time. The prince caught Kara’s eye and asked her for help telepathically. If she heard him, she gave no sign.

“Come now, you’ll only exacerbate your punishment.” The king said. “Alright Simon, give it to him.”

Simon strode toward Arkin, but at that moment Kara took the king’s sword from his belt and tossed it at the guard holding Arkin. It hit his head with a crack and Arkin leaped free. He pulled out his own sword and shield and fought off the guards. When most of them lay on the ground he grabbed Kara and ran to the back of the castle. They jumped on Whiskers, who dashed off into the distance. When they were a safe distance from the castle, they dismounted and turned to face each other.

“How did you know that I really was a prince?” Arkin asked

“I think I had an idea ever since I saw you fight off those bandits.” Kara responded.

“Well thank you.”

“Don’t thank me too soon, you’re bound to get your betrothed, right? So you have to try again.”

“No, I’m bound to find a wife.” Arkin replied with a wink.

Kara smiled.

***

The old man came to the castle in a few days with Arkin’s letter, trying to marry the princess. The California castle went into an uproar and started sending apologies to the New Jersey castle, since they now had to believe Arkin’s story. The kingdom of New Jersey benefited for many years from California’s guilt.

The princess of California was disappointed she never got to meet the heroic prince. She was never married because she was indeed an ugo.

Arkin and Kara rode back to New Jersey on Whiskers, where they were married. King Leroy was surprised but pleased with the outcome of events and gave his blessing to the wedding. And everyone in the kingdom of New Jersey lived happily ever after.