This one I plan to rewrite one day to make it suck less. And maybe turn into a short story series.
Arkin, Prince of New Jersey
One day when Arkin was 21 and about to graduate from Prince College he received a letter from his father. He had been studying the nomenclature of all of the beasts in the kingdom for his New Jersey creature final in a few days time. A man appeared carrying a thick roll of parchment. A man walked in behind him carrying with him a trumpet. The man blew a sharp tune into his horn and cried out in a stentorian voice.
'A letter from the great King, the King of all Kings-'
'Yes, yes,' interrupted Arkin 'I know my father's introduction, no need to say it every time.'
Arkin took the letter from the man who held it and dismissed the men. He read the long letter to himself. The letter really could have been about 2 or 3 sentences. The length didn’t surprise Arkin, though. It was representational of his father, who loved pointless fluff and added it into every letter and speech he had anything to do with. His father requested that he come home immediately, there was an urgent matter that required his attention. Arkin was surprised at this request, however. King Leroy knew he had finals in a few days and rarely ever asked for Arkin's help with anything.
Knowing it must be important if his father was summoning him at such a crucial time, Arkin made his way down to the stables. He only hoped they were not going to war again. Arkin had been 15 last time they had gone to war with the kingdom of Vermont and he was not keen to have the same experience. Arkin had wanted to fight in the war, but his father, determined not to have him hurt, had locked him in the dungeons for the 2-month duration.
Arkin made his way over to his favorite giant dog, Whiskers, and saddled her up. He climbed on and began to make his way toward his home, New Jersey castle.
He arrived early the next morning. After giving Whiskers a giant chew toy, he headed up to his father's chambers. He knocked on the door and his father called him in.
'I'm here, father,” said Arkin, kneeling.
'Oh, good!' replied King Leroy 'Stand up boy, and let me have a look at you. Oh, good, good.'
'Why have you summoned me, father?' asked Arkin, put off by his father's cheeriness, obviously there was nothing wrong. 'I have to be back for finals in a few days.'
'But that is why you are here! It's the final of all finals.'
'What do you mean, sir?'
'Oh, it's killed me not to tell you. Well, sit down and you'll hear it now. In the final year of a prince's schooling he does not take the regular finals. Instead, he puts everything he knows into practical use. He takes a long journey.' Here King Leroy paused and looked at him.
Arkin said nothing. His father seemed to be holding something back. Never knowing the king to be disingenuous, he listened on, apprehensive.
“He goes on a quest…” Leroy continued, “to find his queen.”
Arkin was surprised, but still said nothing. His thoughts strayed to a girl in his fencing class. He didn’t know her name, but this seemed like a good chance to find out.
“Now, you have been betrothed to the princess of California since birth-”
“What?! Why?” Arkin burst out. Normally an outburst like this would earn him a severe reprimand from the king, but it seemed that Leroy expected this because he continued calmly.
“To improve international relations, of course.”
“But what if she’s an ugo?”
“The welfare of your people is much more important then the attractiveness of your wife.”
“She IS an ugo, isn’t she?”
“I don’t know, Arkin, I’ve never met her.”
The injustice of it did not sit well with the prince. All of his life he had trained to be a good prince and a good king. He had taken the task without complaint, confident that he would be rewarded. He thought he would, at the very least, have some good adventures after he graduated. But now it looked like that would be impossible, he was going to be tied down by a wife. And this wife could be ugly or worse, a Unitarian! Arkin knew there was no point in contesting the point, ancient enchantments bound him to do things like this, this was a quest that he had to take.
“But if I’m already betrothed, what am I to do on this journey, father?” Arkin asked
“You’re to go to the kingdom of California and collect your future wife.” The king responded, glad to see Arkin was taking things in stride.
“All the way to the kingdom of California? Alone? Can’t she meet me halfway or something?”
“You’ll have help. Whiskers can go with you.” The king said, ignoring Arkin’s last question.
“Whiskers isn’t much help for anything but travel.”
“A denumerable amount of knights offered to go with you but the ancient magiks will only allow anyone who doesn’t know of your status to help you.”
“When am I to be off?”
“As soon as possible.”
“I shall go and get ready.”
“Wait, Arkin, there is something else you must know. This is a eleemosynary mission, you are bound to help everyone you can along the way.”
“Yes, father.”
Then Arkin when to his own chamber and began to pack what he thought might be useful. He piled everything into a pack, snatched up his moneybag and went down to the throne room to meet his father.
There was a long and boring ceremony Arkin had to attend before he was allowed to leave. He was dressed in the clothes of his ancestors and given officer flags and other ornamentation to wear. Then the court choir sang a nasty sounding traditional song. Arkin put up with another half dozen performers before he was finally escorted to the castle gates. King Leroy stepped forward from the group who had accompanied him.
“Arkin, I am very proud of the man you’ve become.” The king said.
Arkin was surprised; his father very rarely paid him a compliment. The old man was just one surprise after another lately.
“This is a letter for the king of California.” Leroy continued, handing Arkin an envelope “Take care, son.”
Arkin was glad to see that the letter had not been sealed. This meant he could expurgate it before he gave it to the foreign king. He said his goodbyes and turned to the world outside as his escorts made their way back to the castle.
As soon as everyone was out of sight, Arkin quickly dumped all of the crap that he had been dressed in at the ceremony in the castle dumpster. He quickly walked down the road, Whiskers trotting along behind him, and stepped into a shop. He found a nice sword and shield, which he strapped to his back, and a good set of traveling clothes. He pulled out his moneybag and paid the man. Normally the man would not expect reimbursement from the prince, but Arkin told him that he was bound to not accept any help from people who knew he was a prince. When the man finally grudgingly accepted Arkin’s money, Arkin walked out to Whiskers and mounted the hairy beast.
And they were off. Arkin and Whiskers rode for days until finally they reached the edge of the kingdom. Arkin knew he was at the edge because there was a sign that said “Welcome to the kingdom of Pennsylvania” just ahead, and a surveyor had put up some pink tape along the border. He decided that it was a good spot to stop and let Whiskers have a rest. He led her over to a stream and dismounted.
“Well Whiskers, we won’t be seeing this kingdom for a while.”
Whiskers did not answer but bent her big hairy head down to the stream to lap up some water. That’s when Arkin saw it. A flash of movement in the field behind them. Arkin had his sword and shield off of his back and in the ready position so fast that Whiskers stopped drinking to see what was going on. Arkin saw the flash again, but this time he got a glimpse of what it was. He was almost positive he saw a sheria. Sherias were snake like creatures with heads that almost looked human. Arkin knew from his classes that they loved nothing more then fresh dog. He glanced at Whiskers, who was looking at him with her head tilted slightly to the side. There was no way he was going to convince her to run before it was too late. The prince loved his dog but he knew that there were few other dogs as dumb as his.
Arkin saw the flash of movement again, much closer this time, and raised his sword and shield. He moved to a more strategic position to keep himself between the sheria and Whiskers. When the beast struck, he was ready. The sheria raised its ugly head out of the grass and Arkin smashed it in the face with his shield. He pulled back his sword when someone screamed.
“Stop!”
Arkin stopped just in time; his sword had been about to eviscerate the sheria. A girl ran up to him and patted the sheria on the head. It shot into the grass and lay completely still.
“Sorry,” said the girl “Curly must have smelled your dog.”
Arkin looked at the gross thing lying at his feet and honestly could not come up with a worse name for the beast, except perhaps fluffy, or something of that nature. Then Arkin’s gaze drifted to the girl. She was around his age and was a particularly zaftig girl. He remembered himself and raised his eyes to her face. She was looking at him, so to avoid any awkward situations he tried to make small talk.
“Do you live around here? I haven’t seen any settlement for quite some time.”
“No,” the girl replied, “I’m on a journey.”
“Really? Me too. My name’s Arkin.”
“I’m Kara.”
They shook hands. Arkin was please she didn’t know who he was. Perhaps he could convince her to travel with them. Then he remembered Curly. She was petting the disgusting thing and it was making a sickening cooing sound.
“Is that thing your pet?” Arkin asked.
“Curly is my guardian and good friend.” Kara responded coldly.
“What good is a sheria? They can’t do anything useful.”
“They have plenty of uses. I think we’ll go now. Come on Curly.”
With that she fastened a leash to the sheria and the other end to her. Curly shot off into Pennsylvania, Kara sliding along the ground behind him. Arkin called Whiskers, who was splashing around in the stream, and they were off as well.
The prince and his dog rode for almost a week without more trouble, but about 6 days after they had met Kara they were strolling through the woods when Arkin heard a voice.
‘Hey’ said a girl’s voice inside his head.
Arkin, convinced he was going crazy, dismounted and looked at Whiskers. Had she talked to him? Was he so close to his dog that she could communicate with him through telepathy? But if Whiskers had spoken to him, she gave no sign. She wore the same dumb expression she always did.
‘I’m not the dog, you idiot.’ Said the girl’s voice again.
Arkin straightened up and looked around.
‘That’s it. Now come over here and kiss me.’
This was a remarkably straightforward voice in his head, Arkin thought.
‘I’ve been enchanted, it’s not like I just fancy a kiss.’
‘Where are you?’ Arkin thought back
‘To your right… no, that’s too much. OK, there. Now straight ahead.’
Arkin walked forward into a clearing. At the center of the clearing there was a stone table and on that stone table was…
‘Kara?!’ Arkin thought, baffled.
‘Yes, nice to see you again, too, Arkin.’
‘What happened to you?’
‘Well, we were traveling and we ran into a magician. Well sherias are very valuable creatures to magicians because they can help perform spells and such, so this magician enchants me and runs off with Curly.’
‘Heh, I bet you’re not so keen on your pet now.’
‘Yes, yes, very funny, Arkin. Now can we get rid of this enchantment? I’ve been here for 2 days already.’
‘Wait, you haven’t told me how you can communicate with me.’
‘It’s a gift I’ve had since I was born. That’s why I’m on a quest; a foreign king needs my help.’
‘OK, so how do I get you out of this enchantment?’
‘It’s a kiss.’
‘How do you know?’
‘It’s always a kiss when the person is frozen on a table.’
‘Why can’t it be something cool, like candy?’
‘I don’t know, Arkin, just kiss me.’
‘I don’t think I can. I’m on a quest to find my betrothed.’
‘It’s just a kiss!’
‘No tongue?’
‘No tongue!’
His betrothal notwithstanding, Arkin leaned down and kissed Kara. She sat up and smacked Arkin.
“What was that for?! I just saved you!” Arkin asked, irritated.
“You can’t just go around kissing people. And to think, you’re betrothed, too.” Kara responded.
Arkin just gaped at her. Kara stood up and hurried off into the woods.
“Expect to hear from my lawyer!” She called back.
“Women…”The prince mumbled.
He leaned against the statue and smiled in spite of himself. Kara’s advocate would have a time making a case against a prince. Whiskers wandered over to him and licked the side of his head. He patted her on the head and she began to prance around. All of the sudden Whiskers yelped and disappeared. Arkin went over to investigate and saw that Whiskers had found a pit. She clawed at the sides trying to get out, but it was much too deep. Arkin couldn’t think of any way to help the dog out, so he threw some food down and began hunting for some for himself. After he had strung up a rashina to exsanguinate he checked on Whiskers, who was sleeping. He decided to get some rest himself and laid down on the hard earth, wishing the warm and soft Whiskers was with him.
Arkin awoke to Whiskers licking his face. After checking the pit, he deduced that the dog had dug herself out. He cleaned off the dog and they set out again. After a few days riding they came upon a river. Arkin was no great hat at swimming and Whiskers couldn’t concentrate in the water long enough for Arkin to tell her to take him across so he would have to find another way to get across.
The prince noticed a village nearby. He imagined that they would know where a bridge was, or at least how to get around the river. He rode to the village, which was a nice place, but a little run down. He approached the first villager he saw.
“Hello, I am Arkin and I am on a quest to the kingdom of California. Do you know a way to get across that river?” Arkin asked?
“Another one going to California, eh?” The villager responded, “You’re the second today.”
The villager pointed to the first, who was sitting at a nearby shop. It was Kara.
“YOU-” Arkin began, but he was interrupted by the sound of a bandit horn.
“Oh no, not again.” Said the villager Arkin had been talking too.
“Bandits? Not a problem.” Arkin assured him.
He dismounted and pulled his sword and shield from his back. Kara already had an arrow on her bow. The prince saw the bandits emerge on the hill north of the village. There were about 30 of them. They charged the town but by the time they reached it, there were about 7 less of them. Kara, who had climbed up on a roof, had let a good number of arrows fly. When the bandits were close enough, Arkin ran forward and cried:
“Get um’ Whiskers!”
And he and Whiskers charged at them. Like most bandits, these were not too great at swordplay. Arkin, who had been training to fight all of his life, barely wasted 2 or 3 strokes on each of them and rarely had to lift his shield. A mere 3 minutes after the prince and his dog had torn into the bandits, there remained only the leader alive. He dangled lightly from Whiskers mouth as she danced around.
“Whiskers, drop him.” Arkin commanded.
The giant dog dropped the bandit leader and Arkin took his weapon.
“You’ll not die here today, scum.” The prince said to the bandit. “You’ll rot in jail as an example to your brethren.”
And with that Arkin clubbed the bandit in the head with the hilt of his own sword. A great cheer went up behind him, and Arkin turned to see the entire village standing there.
That night the villagers held a feast to honor Arkin, Kara and Whiskers. The villagers also told them that that there was a magic portal a few miles south and it would make the journey much shorter. Arkin grabbed some food for himself and Whiskers and sat down next to Whiskers in the big circle the villagers had made. Kara came over and sat next to him.
“Look,” Kara began, “I’m sorry I slapped you, but if you’ve been frozen for 2 days you really have to pee when you wake up and I couldn’t have you following.”
Arkin sat in silence for a moment and then started laughing. Whiskers joined him and even Kara let out a reluctant laugh.
“So you’re going to California castle, too? What are the chances?” Arkin asked.
“Your betrothed works in the castle?” Kara asked
“Err….”
Arkin just realized how strange it would sound for a commoner to be betrothed to a princess so he lied.
“Yes.”
“That is an odd coincidence.”
“We should travel together.”
“What? Oh, yes that would be nice, I’ve had to hitch rides since Curly left.”
“Ah yes, faithful Curly. The one who abandoned you in favor of a magician. Thankfully I came along to set you free. It’s a shame it was a kiss though. I mean, if I’m going to disregard my betrothal, it should be for something good, like a quickie.”
“On second thought maybe I’ll be better off on my own after all.” Kara said and she stormed off in the direction of the portal the villagers had told them about.
“Oh come back, I was being facetious.” Arkin called after her. “Ah, well.”
Arkin spent the night at the village but rose early the next morning to set out. After thanking the villagers for their kindness he and Whiskers set off towards the portal. After a few hours he found the petrograph the villagers described to him. He said the incantation and a cave opened out of the rock face. Arkin hesitated. He had a phobia of dark enclosed places. An old man appeared beside the prince, making him jump.
“I can exorcise your fear, boy.” The old man said.
“How did you know I was scared?” Arkin asked.
“Well you were staring at the entrance to a cave looking like you’d rather die then enter. It didn’t take much to extrapolate.”
“Well how can you take my fear away?”
“It’s an old trick I learned, you just need to sit still and I’ll do the rest.” The man smiled, or that’s what Arkin guessed he did, it was hard to tell because the man had no teeth.
Arkin was wary. He didn’t trust the toothless rube, but he was confident that Whiskers would take care of him if anything went wrong. So the prince sat down and waited for the old man to entrance him. The old man took out a locket and the next thing Arkin knew he was laying on the ground, his fear becoming evanescent. The prince sat up and looked at the old man, who was hurrying away. Arkin noticed he had Leroy’s letter to the king of California in his hand.
“Hey!” Arkin called “I need that!”
But it was too late, the man had already disappeared. Arkin figured he could just tell the people at the castle what happened, but he didn’t look forward to it. He got up and marched bravely into the cave. He walked down a damp corridor into a large cavern. There was a row of carts there and Arkin assumed this was the way to use the portal. He helped Whiskers into a cart and then got into one himself.
“California Castle!” Arkin said to the cart.
A metal bar clanged shut on him and he heard a female voice ring out all around him.
“Thank you for traveling with Magic Portal. Please keep your arms and legs inside the cart at all times.” The voice said.
The carts roared to life and pretty soon they were going so fast Arkin was afraid his skin was going to fly off. He closed his eyes for a while and when he opened them they were coming to a stop. The female voice had another announcement.
“Please exit to the right. Thank you again for choosing Magic Portal.” The voice said.
The metal bar lifted and Arkin got out. Whiskers didn’t look like she enjoyed the trip. Arkin helped her out of the cart and they walked up a damp corridor. The prince pushed open a door and walked into dazzling sunlight. When he could see he looked up at the structure in front of him.
“It’s California castle! I don’t believe it! We’re here, Whiskers!”
Catching onto his excitement, Whiskers ran in circles around Arkin who was striding up to the gates of the castle. He walked up to the guard and told him his story. The guard looked at him suspiciously.
“You’re the prince of New Jersey?” the guard asked.
“Yes, that’s me.” Arkin replied.
“Who’s your father?”
“King Leroy. You’re being awful interrogatory.”
“That’s my job.”
“I’ve come an awful long way, please let me in.”
“I’m afraid I can do that. We were told that the prince would come in ceremonial vestments and have a letter from King Leroy.”
“But I’ve told you why I don’t have those things!”
“Beat it, kid.”
Arkin was furious. If he couldn’t get into the castle by normal means he would get in by surreptitious means. The prince waited for nightfall and then snuck around to the back of the castle and snuck inside. He stood in a hallway, unsure whom to go to explain himself when the choice was taken out of his hands. A guard grabbed him by the back of his shirt.
“Gottcha!” The guard snarled.
He was taken to the throne room where the king was talking to Kara.
“Arkin?” Kara asked.
“No, my dear, that is not prince Arkin. The guards tell me he has been pretending to be to try to get into the castle, though.” The king said.
“Arkin is a prince?"
“The real Arkin is, yes. As for this one…”
The king clapped his hands and a guard came in carrying a whip and a prisoner.
“Simon here is going to give a little demonstrative presentation of what will happen to you if you don’t speak up about why you were in my castle.” The king continued.
The guard called Simon began to flagellate the prisoner. It looked very painful and Arkin was not in the mood to try it. He tried to explain himself but the king waved him off.
“Come now boy, you can expect me to believe that.” The king scoffed.
“But, Kara, I told her my name, why would I lie to her?” Arkin said desperately.
“I don’t know, boy, maybe you’re a nut. Simon.”
Simon whipped his prisoner again. Arkin couldn’t stand the crack of the whip. He would have though of a better onomatopoeia to describe the sound, but this was a desperate time. The prince caught Kara’s eye and asked her for help telepathically. If she heard him, she gave no sign.
“Come now, you’ll only exacerbate your punishment.” The king said. “Alright Simon, give it to him.”
Simon strode toward Arkin, but at that moment Kara took the king’s sword from his belt and tossed it at the guard holding Arkin. It hit his head with a crack and Arkin leaped free. He pulled out his own sword and shield and fought off the guards. When most of them lay on the ground he grabbed Kara and ran to the back of the castle. They jumped on Whiskers, who dashed off into the distance. When they were a safe distance from the castle, they dismounted and turned to face each other.
“How did you know that I really was a prince?” Arkin asked
“I think I had an idea ever since I saw you fight off those bandits.” Kara responded.
“Well thank you.”
“Don’t thank me too soon, you’re bound to get your betrothed, right? So you have to try again.”
“No, I’m bound to find a wife.” Arkin replied with a wink.
Kara smiled.
***
The old man came to the castle in a few days with Arkin’s letter, trying to marry the princess. The California castle went into an uproar and started sending apologies to the New Jersey castle, since they now had to believe Arkin’s story. The kingdom of New Jersey benefited for many years from California’s guilt.
The princess of California was disappointed she never got to meet the heroic prince. She was never married because she was indeed an ugo.
Arkin and Kara rode back to New Jersey on Whiskers, where they were married. King Leroy was surprised but pleased with the outcome of events and gave his blessing to the wedding. And everyone in the kingdom of New Jersey lived happily ever after.
No comments:
Post a Comment