A short story to archive-

A Lesson in Affectation

Our setting is somewhat cliché, two men in New York, talking across a table to each other in a coffee shop while a man outside spontaneously combusts and runs down the street screaming bloody murder.

“Did you see that man’s hat?” said one man.

“Who’s?” said the other.

“That man on fire.” said the first man.

“Oh, yes. A brown fedora with a black suit? What a fashion crime.” said the second.

As you can see, our men are useless yuppies. The first man was called Donald and the second was called Derrick. They met here in this coffee shop in New York everyday to discuss nothing of great importance.

“So Derrick, how are things going with the wife?” Donald asked, closing the lid of his iBook.

“Not so great. She says that I need to stop killing hookers or she’ll leave me.” replied Derrick.

“That must be tough on the kids.”

“It is. They love playing with those hooker corpses.”

This is a fair example of a typical day’s conversation between the two men. Were one to listen to one of their discussions they would find the faults beyond measure that attach themselves to the two men prevalent and figuratively dancing for the crowd.

“So how are you and Christine doing? Still planning on popping the question?” Derrick inquired.

“Oh, yeah, she’s great. She’s the only woman I’ve dated who listens when I ask for pancakes after sex.” Donald replied.

“From everything you’ve told me about her, she sounds like one classy lady.”

“Yeah, she put out really early.”

While one was listening to them they may find the overwhelming urge to kill take them. This must be fought. For even when dealing with the waste of space we speak of today, killing can be construed as immoral and illegal. Unfortunately.

“So how are you going to do it?” Derrick asked, sipping his overpriced, pretentious coffee.

“Do what?” Donald responded.

“Ask Christine to marry you.”

“What? I’m not going to ask her to marry me!”

“You just said you were going to pop the question, though.” Derrick said, his face contorted in confusion. This expression could also be seen when faced with simple math or using electronics.

“I wasn’t talking about asking her to marry me, I was talking about propositioning her for anal.” responded Derrick’s illustrious companion.

If you feel your blood pressure rising, it’s only natural. Great men have fallen when faced with such stupidity and one can not be expected to keep up with great men. Try to handle it a little longer so we may reach our moral.

“Ah, yes. Anal. Good luck with that. How are you going ask her?” Derrick asked, tucking his iPod further into his pocket.

“I’ve got some ideas. We’re going to a knicks game on Saturday, I may have them put it up on the scoreboard.” responded Donald, shaking his 70 dollar hair cut out of his face.

“I’m sure she’d like that. Every girl likes to see her name on the scoreboard.” Derrick said, taking off his yellow sunglasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose before replacing them.

“Oh, yeah. I was also thinking of being a little more creative, too. Her family has a farm, so I was thinking of writing it in the grass with cow manure.” said Donald while straightening the cuff of his Armani suit.

I think we can say that you’ve suffered enough. It was necessary, though for the moral which I am now able to deliver:

You will meet people like this in your life, and they will make more money then you. Prepare yourself.